Friday, February 28, 2014
The elf returns
8:52 AM | 
Posted by
Bruny Hudson |
By Hobo
Hudson
The little
elf stepped from his taxi clutching his new diploma from the Elf Casino
manager’s school and, carefully holding his Florida Casino Manager’s license to
let the ink dry without smudging, just in time to see the cleanup crew lock the
doors and drive away.
After opening
the lock with a key from the large ring of keys he had proudly accepted only a
little while ago, he stepped inside to find the casino was so clean it looked
as if it were brand new. He walked across and entered the hallway leading to
the private area and admired the photos of the previous managers hanging on the
wall but noticed an area of darker paint on the wall at the end of the hallway as
though a photo had been removed. Looking at the dates on the others photos, he
saw the last manager had departed in 1998 and wondered what was going on. Where
was the photo of the last manager, he wondered.
He entered
his new office, and it too was so clean that it looked as though it had never
been occupied. After sitting down at his desk, he began opening drawers. There
were pens and note pads, stationery and even extra ink cartridges. However,
when he opened the bottom drawer, he was horrified to find it filled with used
chewing gum, cigarette butts and other items too nasty to tell about. Holding
his nose, he pulled the drawer out and carried it outside to dump into a
dumpster. As he turned the drawer upside down, he found a slim journal taped to
the bottom inscribed with “Journal of Alphonzo P. Elf.”
Curious to
see what it was, he tore it off and glanced at the inside cover, where he found
a sticky note begging the successor not to throw the journal away before
reading the last entry. He turned to the rear of the journal and began flipping
back until he found the beginning of the final entry.
It started by
asking forgiveness for the messy drawer and an explanation for it. The writer
made it clear that it was the only way he could think of to possibly insure his
successor would find his journal because his cleaning crew was pretty lax and
knowing how fastidious all elves were, he was sure his successor would simply
dump the drawer in the trash and would see the journal.
The writer
went on to explain how he had been
appointed manager back in 1998 but had been recently fired and all records
related to his term as manager were going to be removed. This was all due to
his troubles with a customer he referred to as “Dad.” The guy had taken him to
court regarding the Elf corporate policy of stacking the deck, and corporate
had provided him with ineffective representation which didn’t object, or
objected for the wrong reason when Dad openly bribed the judge.
This was
fascinating, and the elf quickly turned to the front of the journal to read all
about it. Suddenly, he remembered that he was supposed to open the vault and
reset it to a timed opening as soon as he arrived. He laid the journal aside
and quickly opened the vault and flipped the switch to automatic opening with a
preset time of 8:55 a.m. This would give him a few minutes to take the money tray
to his cashier so that everything would be ready for the 9 a.m. opening.
Finishing his
first official task, the elf returned and began reading the complete journal
which ended with two photos of Dad. One showed a disreputable old man with long
hair, unshaven and wearing wrinkled dirty old clothes. The other showed a
distinguished older gentleman wearing a dark blue suit with his tie neatly
knotted and a side pocket of his jacket bulging with dog treats and peanuts.
After having committed both photos to memory, the elf lay down to get a few
hours of sleep before starting his new life as a casino manager.
Dad, in the
meanwhile, had arisen in the middle of the night and pulled on whatever he
could find in the dark, which turned out to be a dirty, holey pair of jeans he
had been using working in his garden the day before and slipped quietly out of
the bedroom. He made coffee and retired with a cup to his computer. After
skimming the news sites, he decided to upgrade to the latest version of Doors.
Then, he
eagerly clicked on the “Solitaire” button to match wits with the elf but,
instead of the elf appearing on his computer screen, he found he had been
sucked into the computer and deposited on the sidewalk in front of a casino in
Ybor City.
Being very
confused, he rang the bell which awakened a very upset elf who stormed to the
door. He slid open the view port and demanded to know why Dad was ringing his
doorbell at three in the morning. Dad, becoming even more confused, muttered
that he’d like to come in and play a few hands of solitaire.
“Can’t you
read?” the elf shouted. “We’re closed, and I don’t have any money to pay you
anyway.”
As Dad turned
away, he noticed pennies scattered all over the sidewalk and immediately fell
to his knees to pick them up grumbling that young’uns didn’t have any idea of
the value of money these days. Why, 10 pennies are the same as a dime, and 10
dimes are the same as a dollar.
Meanwhile,
Lulu Smuttdigger, the syndicated gossip columnist, was growing exhausted and
increasingly frustrated. Her deadline was fast approaching and she didn’t have
a single tidbit of gossip to report. She had peeked into all the restaurants,
checked all the nightclubs and even sneaked into the hotels to inspect their
registries and couldn’t find a single politician or movie star out with a cute
young thing or one dancing with someone of the same sex.
Spying Dad
crawling around on his knees picking up pennies, she decided to interview him
and write a heart-wrenching story about how the coldhearted Republicans are
leaving the poor to starve, little realizing that Dad was the father of the richest
dog in town and his son would gladly buy the casino for him if he were to ask.
When Lulu
Smuttdigger walked up to Dad and introduced herself, Dad immediately recognized
her name and decided to have a little fun with her. She offered to buy him a
cup of coffee if he would talk to her about his life.
Dad , thinking
fast, replied she had a deal if she would make it a cup of café con leche and a
piece of toasted Cuban bread slathered with butter, remarking that it had been
ages since he could afford something like that—meaning that he’s diabetic and
his body wouldn’t tolerate all the carbs. Of course, Lulu wasn’t above paying
small bribes for stories since her ethics weren’t the best, and she readily
agreed.
They went to a
café across the street and took a seat at one of the small round tables. After Dad
received the promised café con leche and Cuban toast, Lulu asked him to
describe his life. Dad dunked a small bit of the buttered toast, and savoring
the taste, he began:
“My wife and
I live in a house in a little suburb just south of here with our son and his
wife, Lily. It’s modest as mansions go—nothing to compare with Avila or some of
the other rich subdivisions near here, but it’s adequate for our needs. It only
has 10 bedrooms, and I don’t know how many baths but, as I said, it’s adequate
since our son spends all his time delving into the stock market and Lily spends
most of her time in her dental practice taking care of movie actors out in
Hollywood. In fact, she normally gets home so late and leaves so early that we
don’t even know she lives with us.
“Mom
functions as cook and housekeeper and has her own computer to write stories
when she has time. I also have a computer, and our son is trying to teach me
how to trade in the stock market, but I’m having a tough time following his
thinking. It’s the middle of February now, and I’ve only made about $65,000
while my son has already made a couple of million.
“We don’t
have many visitors so, as I said, our home is adequate for our needs. The last
visitor we had was Romey and his girlfriend, Josie, just before he ate something
that disagreed with him and passed away.”
Lulu
immediately dismissed all this as the ravings of a deranged mind but still
jotted a note to check, writing Romney—dead? Girlfriend—Josie?
Dad then
changed the subject. He asked Lulu if she knew anything about all the Elf
casinos being closed because he had visited one just before he met her, and the
manager told him they were closed and wouldn’t tell him when they would open. Dad
said the manager also told him that none of the casinos had any money, and Dad
added his suspicions are that they have gone bankrupt.
After
breaking off, dunking and swallowing another small bit of the toast, Dad carefully
wrapped the rest of it in several paper napkins and, picking up his Styrofoam
coffee cup, rose and said, “It’s sure been nice chatting with you. Thank you
very much for the Cuban toast and café con leche, but I’d better go outside
because I’m sure my son has noticed I’m missing and will have everyone out looking
for me.”
Just as he reached
the sidewalk, a long black limousine glided to the curb, and the old man opened
the door and stepped inside.
TO BE
CONTINUED
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