Monday, March 3, 2014
The elf returns—Part 2
7:30 AM | 
Posted by
Bruny Hudson |
By Hobo
Hudson
Although Lulu
Smuttdigger had dismissed Dad’s wild statements as the rambling of a deranged
mind, she decided to walk across the street and confirm Dad’s tale. The first
thing she noticed on the casino door was the large sign saying “closed.”
Unknown to
Lulu, the elf manager had turned off the doorbell and telephone so that he
could get a little uninterrupted sleep. He wanted to be fresh and alert for his
first day on the job. After ringing the
doorbell for at least five minutes, Lulu decided the old man was right after
all and called her secretary to dictate her story.
The first to
pick up the story was The Onion, America’s finest news source, which trusted
Lulu implicitly, and immediately posted a story with the headline, “Elf Casino
Chain in Bankruptcy ” on its website.
By coincidence,
the elf CEO had worked late into the evening polishing his presentation to his
board of directors regarding the doubling in size of each European casino, and
feeling certain his board would approve it, he telephoned his corporate
headquarters and placed a message on its recorder saying there would be an
important press release at 2 p.m.
All the
national news sites picked up Lulu’s story followed by The Onion’s story and
tried to confirm it. They called Elf Casino headquarters in New York but only
reached the recorded message that it was closed and there would be a press
release at 2 p.m. Not wishing to be scooped too badly, they all put a story on
their Web pages entitled “Elf Casino to declare bankruptcy today.”
These stories
soon landed on the Chinese news agency’s computer and were immediately
forwarded to the Chinese premier who telephoned the head of the Chinese central
bank and instructed him to order all Chinese banks to sell their Elf Casino
stock immediately. The orders were sent to Hong Kong and any orders not filled
were re-routed to the London Stock Exchange.
By 6 a.m.,
the American hedge funds had begun to check the pre-market prices and found Elf
Casino stock had plummeted from a close of $53.25 to $12.15. They all placed
“market” orders to sell at any price, while the short traders placed “short
sale” orders, and the price continued to plummet. By 9 a.m., the banks were
aware of the situation and immediately called their loans, and Dad’s rumor
became reality as the Elf CEO issued a press release at 2 p.m. stating that a
bankruptcy petition had been filed.
Dad was very
much ashamed of himself for starting the rumor but knew he had better keep quiet
to avoid being lynched. As for Lulu, she was never heard from again after
learning she was the cause of the bankruptcy, and The Onion’s staff celebrated
for finally getting a story right.
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