Monday, December 19, 2011

Doggy humor: So you think you can bark

By Hobo Hudson

“Good evening everyone. Welcome to the premiere of So You Think You Can Bark. I’m Hobo Hudson, the host of this great new show. We’ve got an exciting lineup of contestants tonight, so let’s get started. First on the agenda is Ms. Foley Monster. COME ON OUT MS. MONSTER!” Hobo waits a minute but doesn’t see her. “COME ON OUT, MS. MONSTER!” Hobo waits again, but Ms. Foley Monster doesn’t appear.

“Well, it looks like Ms. Monster has been unavoidably delayed. Let’s go on to the next contestant.” Hobo glanced at the sheet in front of him. “Come on…EE YOUCH!” He grimaces and looks down. Ms. Monster, a small Yorkie, sits at his feet.

“Why did you bite me, Ms. Monster?”  Hobo can see her lips move but can’t hear anything, so he bends over and asks again with his ear in front of her mouth.

He now hears Ms. Foley Monster saying: “I’ve been here all along and barked at you, but you apparently couldn’t hear me over the roar of the audience.”

“OK, let’s try it again with my ear close to your lips. Give me your best bark.” Ms. Monster takes a deep breath and lets out a feeble yip.

“Hummm. Ms. Monster, your entry form says that you are the leader of a mighty group called the Tanner Brigade, and you recently won a major battle over an enemy army at a place called the Castle. Tell me, how were you able to give out orders with such a tiny bark?”

Ms. Monster lifts her head up high and replies, “That’s easy. I issued every member of the Brigade a fruit phone and texted them.”

“Very ingenious. Now let’s call the next contestant. COME ON OUT, MS. HATTIE MAE!”

A little terrier comes waltzing down the aisle wearing a beautiful red dress and a white hat. “Hello Mr. Hobo. It’s wonderful to appear on your new show.”

“And it’s wonderful to have such a fashionably dressed young lady willing to give up her time to appear on my show. Now, take a deep breath and give us your best bark.”

Hobo waits but doesn’t hear anything. “Anytime you’re ready, Ms. Hattie.”

Doing a pirouette, Ms. Hattie Mae said, “Oh Hobo, a lady never barks in public. I just applied to show off my new dress and hat.”

Hobo appears confused but then looks at his sheet again.

“OK, COME ON OUT, 12.” A large newfie paces onto the stage. “Let’s see, 12. Your application says you live in California, and a new sister has recently joined your household.”

“That’s right, Hobo. She’s a really nice young lass, but I have to be careful not to step on her and squash her.”

“Oh, you’ll get accustomed to watching for her, and she’ll grow larger pretty fast. Congratulations. Now take a deep breath and give us your best bark.”

12 inhales deeply and, pointing his muzzle directly at Hobo, lets out a mighty WOOF.

After picking himself off the floor and shaking his head a few times to clear it, Hobo says, “Well, there is no doubt as to the winner of this week’s So You Think You Can Bark. Stay tuned for next week at the same time for another exciting contest. We have a great roster of contestants lined up.”

The lights dim as the audience erupts in a chorus of excited yips and yelps.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Doggy humor: Hobo Hedge Fund business model revealed

By managing directors

News releases are showing glowing results by the Hobo Hedge Fund, but Hobo has been very closemouthed about his business model and just keeps barking “half and half.”

Since Hobo has been unwilling to provide details, we decided to consult a British publishing colleague who recommended we hire a certain hacker to attempt to hack into Hobo’s computer and access his business model. Following this advice, we found that Hobo has signed an advisory contract with a mysterious person referred to only as “Dad” in all his records. The contract says that “Dad” will furnish instant reports every time he makes a stock trade, and Hobo will be able to use the information in any way he wishes.

Tracing e-mails from “Dad” back to another computer, we found that “Dad” has two stock market accounts. One is for long-term holdings and the other is for day trading. While “Dad’s” trading records show he almost never has a loss in his day trading account, he has a consistent record of picking stocks for his long-term holding account at their highest point and almost always has a loss in that account.

Hobo’s brilliant business model is therefore to follow “Dad” in his day trading activities and to go into a reverse position when “Dad” makes a long-term purchase, i.e., selling short when “Dad” makes a purchase and then covering his short position by purchasing the stock back at a lower price a couple of days later.

We have been unable as yet to determine the identity of the mysterious adviser known only as “Dad” but have our hacker hot on the trail and hope to be able to report his identity to you shortly.


About Hobo

This was Hobo Hudson, my doggy brother, a little terrier mix with black fur. He became famous after his first attempt at writing stories, which was an article published in the newsletter of our local animal shelter, the same shelter in which I ended up years later before Hobo and his parents adopted me. Hobo’s fame quickly spread as he made a name for himself as a business dog and an adventurer. To keep his memory alive, my doggy sister, my three kitty siblings and I, Wylie Hudson, are continuing his blog. Our mom is the blog’s editor.

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